Dad, I'm So Sorry

I've spent a good deal of time over the past few years thinking of my late Dad and Mom. Often I am thankful that we were fortunate enough to be close together as a family during their last years. More importantly, that we talked and got gobs of petty things out of the way. I wish my Dad had not gone through the terrible hospital time at the end and am thankful that Mom seemed to have died peacefully in her sleep.

As much as I miss them, I am glad they "got out" before the embarrassing deterioration of our government over the past few years. It is depressing enough watching what is taking place, but the loss of hope and optimism would have been hard to hide from or share with them.

Now on to PAIN again...

I often find myself apologizing (a bit too late) for doubting many of the things my Dad tried to tell me. The passage of time has shown me the accuracy of most of his "people" assessments, but that is probably best left for another story (or book).

The specific things that I most regret being too naive or just plain dense to understand, were my Dad's bouts of PAIN. He worked physically all through his life, and had recurring back problems that incapacitated him at times. I cringe now, thinking of how I thought he was exaggerating and how I would make jokes as he hobbled around the house, bent over with back pain. I'd tease him for being a "wimp" or "getting old" and thought I was being pretty funny. Amazing to me now, was remembering how he tried to laugh with me and make light of his condition. Part of my attitude, I think developed because my Dad hated and distrusted Doctors, wanted nothing to do with prescription drugs, nor illegal drugs for that matter. His total medicinal plan consisted of Alka-Seltzer Tablets, coffee, and a constant Camel cigarette between his lips. I think I assumed, having NO personal experience myself, that if he was really feeling bad, he would "just" go to the doctor and get things taken care of.

Like I said - I was naive! Maybe ignorant was a better word for me.

When I'm on the floor, writhing in pain, and my lower back feels like someone is driving white-hot nails into my spine, I often reach a point of almost surreal peace. With tears in my eyes from the pain, I find myself laughing inside and thinking: Ahhh! Now I get it, Dad!

Another interesting observation: As much as I might feel that I deserve this pain, as payback from my Dad - I never once sensed that he wished me anything but good health.

So armed with these thoughts of my Dad, and the sense of humor acquired from my Mom, I find myself typing this on the 1st day of August, 2005. While things have not gone particularly well pain wise for the past few days, I still manage to rationalize that it could in fact be much worse.

Since last posting on Friday, I've had a constant variety of pains and weird feelings. The "Pressure" in my head is constant, but the level of discomfort varies. I have not figured out any cause/effect/solution and so I just try to grin and bear it. It is better than a bad head or back ache.

Unfortunately, headache has been pretty steady as well. The intensity ranges from mild to bad (say 2 to 7 on a scale of 1 to 10), but has been mixed with nausea, stomach pains, and lower back pain that has had the same range of intensity.

My last Excedrin was on Thursday morning, and I've been continuing the daily Verapamil with no positive indications whatsoever. Yesterday (Sunday), I took two (2) Extra Strength Doans tablets in early morning and again just before going to bed. I think that helped somewhat with the back pain.

Today, I awoke at 4 AM with sharp headaches and sharper lower back pain. After sitting up for 45 minutes, I felt a bit better and I went back to bed and slept until about 6:30 AM. At breakfast I was aware of sharp, shooting, electric like pains throughout my lower spinal area. Since around 8 AM, I've been wearing a back support belt and that seems to ease the back pain quite a bit.

Not sure if my words describe it clearly, but things have been all over the place, pain wise, for most of the past several days. I'm really not sure what is next, but am scheduled with the neurologist tomorrow morning. I hope he and I can come up with some better plan of action, because the current situation is NOT GOOD.

I'm also looking forward to physical therapy on Wednesday with some guarded optimism.

Remember to keep your Sense of Humor!

Have a PAINFREE Life,

- Frank